Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize