I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
