I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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