hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
