one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
