I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
