y did u give ur computer a hand job?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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