Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
