her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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