If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
