We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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