Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
