you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
