I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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