I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
