I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
