My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you didnt know i had herpes?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
