I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
