if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
