I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize