Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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