I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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