those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
