By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
