I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I want to be your penis for a week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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