3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
