The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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