Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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