im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
