My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
