the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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