How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
