My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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