I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
