Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
