im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
