I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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