His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
