The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
