She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
