I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
