I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I didn't notice because vodka
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
