Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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