Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
