Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
