hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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