Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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