The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
