No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I am morally bankrupt
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
