You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize