life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
