I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
