I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
