I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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