Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
