I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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