the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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