my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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