either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
