Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
