Ambien. No doubt about it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
